Something crazy happened a couple weeks ago, and I didn’t tell you about it. I was supposed to meet my friend Chris for lunch. We meet up every couple of weeks and try a new restaurant. It’s always the highlight of my day. That particular morning I had planned on going to BODYCOMBAT at 10:30, leaving the gym at 11:30 and driving straight to lunch. Chris sent me a text in the morning to tell me that lunch needed to be moved to 11:30, was that ok, and to put myself first. I stared at my phone. Put myself first? Put myself first??? How do you even do that? Which one did I want more? To see my good friend or to sweat my butt off in the gym?
Put myself first.
Breathe.
Put myself first. Ok. I need to go to the gym. I need to stay on schedule. Put myself first.
I sent a text back saying that another day would be better. I’m not kidding when I say that I mildly freaked out when I sent that text. I chose myself over another person. I never, consciously, make that decision. I am a “people person” to the core of my being and I just said, “No, I’d rather sweat my butt off than hang out and eat great food with a great friend”. What the heck was I thinking?!?! Honestly, I was in turmoil right up until class started, and then I was sweating so much I couldn’t think straight.
That class, that day, was the class that I wrote about last week. It was the most intense inner healing that I’ve had on this journey. I would have missed it if I’d gone to lunch. But, I was there, my priorities were locked in place…it was a huge step for me.
Today, as I was driving home I realized that I’ve made another decision in this journey that put myself first. This one was out of necessity rather than an actual conscious decision. I workout in the mornings, typically from 8:30-10:30, sometimes from 9:30-11:30. Do you know what used to happen from 10-11:30 everyday? Zoe’s nap. My poor child hasn’t had a decent schedule since this whole thing started. You might not think that’s a big deal….but the whole reason that we went to this “schedule” is because SHE needed it. I hate having a schedule. But, I didn’t even think about it when we started, I didn’t see any way to make a compromise…so we just kinda tossed the morning nap. Zoe makes it up by sleeping in the car on the way home, and sometimes taking a 30 minute nap when we get home. But, most days, she just takes a really long afternoon nap. Like, some days a 4 hour afternoon nap.
I put my need above my child’s need. Do you know how backwards that feels for a mom? Just saying it makes me want to figure out a different time to go to the gym. But, honestly, the best classes are during those times…so, nothing’s going to change. I guess the way I see it is, I can put my need for a good class above her need for a morning nap now…because the pay-off will be that when she’s 12, 13, 14 years old and developing her self-image…she’s going to have a mom to look up to. A mom who is healthy. Who loves her body. Who loves her curves. Who isn’t over-weight, but isn’t a rail either. A mom who tells her that she’s beautiful, regardless of makeup or pants size. And THAT’S worth more than any morning nap you could ever take.
I think that there’s a point where putting yourself first goes too far…I’m not interested in that at all. I’m interested in balance…in every area of my life…and putting myself first, occasionally, is something I’m going to have to get a little better at.
Operation Skinny Jeans 