Friday Follow-up

I made it to the gym on Friday a little bit late. Like I said, I wasn’t exactly jumping up and down with excitement that morning. I snuck into class at the very end of the warm-up, found a spot at the front of the class and just went for it. I was determined to have the best workout I’d ever had for myself and not for anybody else.

I have such a hard time at motivation. Especially self motivation. All my life my motivation has been external. In high school, I would practically swim my arms off if it meant that my coach would notice me. As an adult everything that I do is for others. Not in a “woe-is-me” kinda way. More like, “I won’t clean the bathroom because I like a clean bathroom, but I’ll scrub the hell out of that toilet because Brad likes a clean bathroom” kinda way. So, to go to the gym and tell myself that I was going to workout harder than I’d ever worked out just because I was worth a good workout was as far out of my comfort zone as you can imagine. If it’s just me? Well, I hate sweating…so I’d probably be out by the 2nd song. And for sure if there was a wall of exhaustion…I would say “PEACE!” and call it a day.

Instead, I joined in the room of women punching the air, and I punched with everything that I had in my body. When I felt like I couldn’t go on any longer, I would look in the mirror and tell myself that I was worth it. When I felt like I couldn’t breathe I pushed myself harder. At one point I had to close my eyes and just fight. By the 3rd song I was fighting tears back. There is something about beating the crap out of the air in front of you that is extremely theraputic. It’s intense inner healing, and it comes by surprise every time. Honestly, I have no idea what’s being worked out when I’m fighting the tears, but things are being unearthed, uprooted, and dealt with. I just fight and pray.

I did what I set out to do on Friday. I had the best workout to date that I’ve ever had, and I did it for myself. Not the “Bravo” from my instructor, not to silence the voices in my head, not to prove people wrong. But, because I have a goal, and I’m reaching for that goal, and I’m worth a good workout.

Happy Monday ya’ll!


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Didn’t see this one coming

This morning I’m supposed to go to BODYCOMBAT. It starts at 10:30, so I need to leave here in about 20-ish minutes. Instead of getting ready I’m trying to think of every possible excuse I can come up with to not go. Zoe needs to sleep. We need to go to the grocery store. I’m tired of wearing gym clothes. I have a playdate right afterward and it would be pretty darn nice to have my hair looking halfway decent. Maybe I can put Zoe down for a nap, and then if she doesn’t wake up then it’s not really my fault, now is it?

Right now, I’m at the tip of the decision point. One decision leads me to my goal, the other keeps me at status quo. What to do….what to do? I know, just like you do, that I’ll be in the gym. Mainly because I’m writing this post, and so now I can’t not go….which still feels like a major bummer.

I was trying to figure out why I’m feeling the way that I do this morning. A few weeks ago I was in a rut like this, but there was a pretty clear hormonal reason as to why…so I didn’t get too introspective about it. But, that reason isn’t here today. So, what’s the deal yo?

I’ve narrowed it down to this. I like my body now. I’m happy again when I look in the mirror even though I’m still heavier than my “normal”. I’m still much heavier than I’ve been this whole last decade. I’m still several sizes higher than my norm too. But, me…by myself…when it’s just my own thoughts in my head…I like myself. I always have. For the most part, all my life, I’ve been pretty ambivalent about my body. Sure, there’s things that I would love to change…like my height, and for once in my life I’d love a flat stomach…but, I’ve never really dwelled all that much on those thoughts. For the most part, if I’m not looking in a mirror, I’m not thinking about my body.

And, because my voice is the only voice I’ve been listening too lately, it doesn’t really matter to me if I go to the gym or not today. I don’t know about you, but that’s not a roadblock I excepted to see on this journey. Why is that? Why is that when things are going great and you’re in a happy place you lose all motivation to “press in”? It’s not just working out that’s like that. Immediately when I wrote that sentence God came to mind. When things are all peachy keen in life…very rarely do you see a passionate pursuit of God. But, let a car crash happen…and you’ll be on your knees in an instant. Why? Why can’t we press in for things that we know are good for us, things that we know bring life?

I’m gonna go to the gym today and I’m going to push harder than I’ve pushed for a while, because, darn it…I’m worth it! All by myself. And, there’s still much more road in front of me than there is behind me.

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Posted by on August 12, 2011 in gym, weightloss, weightloss goals


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A Conversation

Brad and I were driving to church last week and this is the conversation we had in the car…

Me: I really think that you would love taking some of these classes with me.
Brad: I think I would too, but we can’t afford it.
Me: Why not? It’s only $10 more a month…PLUS I’m working at the church to cover it anyways.
Brad: I don’t know.
Me: I want to do this. You would love it.
Brad: I know I would love it, but I just don’t know.
Me: Baby, I want to do this for you….. It’s on me.
Brad: {laughter}
Me: {laughter}

Brad is the sole income in the family. For me to say that “It’s on me” is completely ridiculous. But, it helped me win the debate and therefore, guess who the proud new owner of a YMCA membership is?!?! That’s right! I get to workout with my husband now! So exciting!

Yesterday, I convinced him to do a BODYATTACK class with me. He was hesitant, but went anyways. During the class I was pointing something out and he leaned in, I jumped back and said, “EEEEEwwwwwwwww! Don’t TOUCH ME!” Nice, huh? Well, you know how I feel about sweat….and my husband is one of the sweatiest men on the planet. Yuck.

After the class we grabbed a basketball and shot a few hoops. We wanted to make it quick so we just played a quick game of “H-O-R-S-E”. Brad played basketball all through high school, and actually has quite a good shot. But, I beat him anyways. ‘Cause I’m good like that. Not really, it was luck, and the only reason I’m even mentioning it is because I know that I will never.ever.ever beat him at that game again….so I have to get my gloating on while I can.

Can I tell you how nice it was to work out with my husband? To laugh and play around with him on the basketball court. On a Tuesday. In the middle of the week. It absolutely made my day.

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Posted by on July 20, 2011 in gym, workout buddies


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Group Cycle, you are not my friend

Confession: I am minimally infatuated with Kelly Ripa. Not like crazy-I-know-every-stat-about-her infatuated. More like, I watch Regis and Kelly every single morning, and have for a decade {provided I have access to a tv}, I follow her on twitter, and I love her commercials when they come on. Why am I telling you this? Because Kelly is a workout freak, and her latest kick is SoulCycle in New York City. She loves it. She talks about it constantly. She says it’s the best thing since sliced bread.

I absolutely disagree.

Before I go into why I disagree, I will readily admit that a cycle class is GREAT cardio. It’s a great workout, truly, it is. But, it is PAINFUL.

First of all, the bike has this cage thing for your feet. In theory, it keeps your foot in place so that you don’t slip out and then get hurt. I get that. Thanks for the concern. In actuality? It cuts the circulation off in your toes, and if you have big feet, like me, you have to jam your toes in there…which hurts. Like crap. Honestly, I think I jammed my toenails into my toenail bed for a solid hour. If I wanted to do that, I would work out in my old tennis shoes that were a full size too small. I think I’m gonna pass on that one.

Secondly, it’s roughly 12 hours after my class, and the only time that I have felt this type of pain in my *ahem* area is when I had a baby. She weighed 7lbs 9 oz, and I pushed her out for a solid 1 1/2 hours. She bruised my pelvic bone on the way out. And? This feels exactly the same. Exactly the same. The results though, are very different. In childbirth, I produced a daughter. In group cycle, I burned 300 calories. I’m gonna go ahead and say that’s not worth it!

I’m not going to say that I’ll never take another cycle class again. In all honesty, I probably will. But, not for a while. In my, ever so humble opinion, there are other great workout classes at my gym that burn a ton of calories, and don’t require as much physical pain. If you’re looking for me, I’ll be in one of those classes.

Oh…and ps…I’ve lost 11 lbs! Whooohooo! That means a new gym outfit, or outfits…depending on what I can find! Next up, 20lbs!


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First things first

Something crazy happened a couple weeks ago, and I didn’t tell you about it. I was supposed to meet my friend Chris for lunch. We meet up every couple of weeks and try a new restaurant. It’s always the highlight of my day. That particular morning I had planned on going to BODYCOMBAT at 10:30, leaving the gym at 11:30 and driving straight to lunch. Chris sent me a text in the morning to tell me that lunch needed to be moved to 11:30, was that ok, and to put myself first. I stared at my phone. Put myself first? Put myself first??? How do you even do that? Which one did I want more? To see my good friend or to sweat my butt off in the gym?

Put myself first.


Put myself first. Ok. I need to go to the gym. I need to stay on schedule. Put myself first.

I sent a text back saying that another day would be better. I’m not kidding when I say that I mildly freaked out when I sent that text. I chose myself over another person. I never, consciously, make that decision. I am a “people person” to the core of my being and I just said, “No, I’d rather sweat my butt off than hang out and eat great food with a great friend”. What the heck was I thinking?!?! Honestly, I was in turmoil right up until class started, and then I was sweating so much I couldn’t think straight.

That class, that day, was the class that I wrote about last week. It was the most intense inner healing that I’ve had on this journey. I would have missed it if I’d gone to lunch. But, I was there, my priorities were locked in place…it was a huge step for me.

Today, as I was driving home I realized that I’ve made another decision in this journey that put myself first. This one was out of necessity rather than an actual conscious decision. I workout in the mornings, typically from 8:30-10:30, sometimes from 9:30-11:30. Do you know what used to happen from 10-11:30 everyday? Zoe’s nap. My poor child hasn’t had a decent schedule since this whole thing started. You might not think that’s a big deal….but the whole reason that we went to this “schedule” is because SHE needed it. I hate having a schedule. But, I didn’t even think about it when we started, I didn’t see any way to make a compromise…so we just kinda tossed the morning nap. Zoe makes it up by sleeping in the car on the way home, and sometimes taking a 30 minute nap when we get home. But, most days, she just takes a really long afternoon nap. Like, some days a 4 hour afternoon nap.

I put my need above my child’s need. Do you know how backwards that feels for a mom? Just saying it makes me want to figure out a different time to go to the gym. But, honestly, the best classes are during those times…so, nothing’s going to change. I guess the way I see it is, I can put my need for a good class above her need for a morning nap now…because the pay-off will be that when she’s 12, 13, 14 years old and developing her self-image…she’s going to have a mom to look up to. A mom who is healthy. Who loves her body. Who loves her curves. Who isn’t over-weight, but isn’t a rail either. A mom who tells her that she’s beautiful, regardless of makeup or pants size. And THAT’S worth more than any morning nap you could ever take.

I think that there’s a point where putting yourself first goes too far…I’m not interested in that at all. I’m interested in balance…in every area of my life…and putting myself first, occasionally, is something I’m going to have to get a little better at.

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Posted by on July 11, 2011 in body image, gym, lessons along the way


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Week in Review

It’s been a rough week for Operation Skinny Jeans. A really rough week. Due to the back injury I had a completely off day Tuesday, tried to practically kill myself in the gym Wednesday {and succeeded in throwing my back again}, tried to take it easy on Thursday with another Zumba class {I left 30 minute in because Crazy Guy doesn’t understand personal space and was driving me crazy}, got on the scale and it was the first time that I’ve ever seen it go UP in this journey. I expected it, and it was only like .4, but still… and then today I ended the week with another BODYCOMBAT class. I weighed myself again, probably because I needed to see the scale go DOWN, and it did! Somehow, even with the horrible workouts, I’ve managed to lose another pound. So, I’m a solid 9lbs now, and should reach my first “reward” next week! Whoohooo!

I was supposed to start working on my diet this week because it’s been a month now. Something about that is so intimidating to me. I’ve never dieted before. I don’t have a “dieters” personality. I’m afraid that I’m going to spend money and then totally not do it. But, I know that as soon as I add diet to this program the weight is going to drop off. That’s how it works. It’s science. It’s fact. But, still? It’s like I’m pushing up against a brick wall in my mind. The truth is, I’m a picky eater…and I’m a habitual eater. If it were up to me, I would eat cereal every single morning for breakfast. Every.Single.Morning. I typically forget to eat lunch, or end up eating it around 3 or 4, and then eat 1/2 of my dinner {which is whatever Brad cooks}. So, see? I’m not exactly the “eat 6 small meals a day” kinda person. And I don’t like to be told I can’t eat if I’m hungry. It’s a conundrum. I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned it yet, so at the risk of repeating myself, I’ve decided that I’m going to do Weight Watchers. I’m on my computer all day, so tracking shouldn’t be an issue, and you can still eat anything you want to….you’re just on a food budget. I think I’ll do better at that than anything else, I just have to start.

Here’s for hoping that next week will be better.

Have a great weekend everybody =)


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A little bit of sweat and a lot of inner healing

There’s a class that my gym offers called BODYCOMBAT, it’s another one of those Les Mills programs. All that I knew about it going in was that it mixed a bunch of different styles of fighting. I’m not huge into that kind of stuff, but my friend really wanted to do the class, and I’m up for just about everything, so we went. That particular class met inside the gym and I’m pretty sure that I work out way harder when there’s no mirrors in the room.

The instructor started by telling us that this was going to be the best hour of therapy we’d ever not paid for. I laughed. Sure. And then we were off, punching the air. Jabbing to the left and right, upper cuts, a few kicks here and there. We began incorporating a little bit of karate, and then some of that Brazilian style of fighting that’s disguised as dancing. Do you know what I’m talking about? I don’t know the name of it, but Brett made the contestants on the Biggest Loser do it this past season. Actually, come to think of it, the whole class looked like a scene straight out of this last season of the Biggest Loser.

I muddled my way through the class, punching and kicking the air with the best of them. We were almost a three-fourths of the way through the class when we stopped for a water break, but the instructor kept talking. She talked through the whole class. At this particular point she started telling us that we were beautiful. That we were worth the fight. That we were strong. On and on she went. Something deep within me started welling up. I thought I was literally going to begin sobbing right there in class. The next track began and it was some intense jabs and upper-cuts, something just started coming up within me, and I beat the hell out of the air in front of me. I have no idea how, why, or even what was going on inside of me, but as I beat the air I was fighting back tears. Something was being worked out. Something that I’d buried beneath layers of complacency, or hidden out of shame. I began wondering if it was Abraham. Perhaps it was The Voice. I have no idea. I still don’t. But I left that class just a little bit lighter.

This journey is about way more than just shedding pounds. It’s about unearthing hidden emotions, buried pain, and healing wounds long since forgotten. I don’t feel the effects of those wounds, whatever they may be, every day…but, they are obviously there. So, as I sweat the pounds away, I’m praying that God reveals the areas of my heart that need healing, for whatever reason, and that God…The Healer…does the work that only He can do.


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