I made it to the gym on Friday a little bit late. Like I said, I wasn’t exactly jumping up and down with excitement that morning. I snuck into class at the very end of the warm-up, found a spot at the front of the class and just went for it. I was determined to have the best workout I’d ever had for myself and not for anybody else.
I have such a hard time at motivation. Especially self motivation. All my life my motivation has been external. In high school, I would practically swim my arms off if it meant that my coach would notice me. As an adult everything that I do is for others. Not in a “woe-is-me” kinda way. More like, “I won’t clean the bathroom because I like a clean bathroom, but I’ll scrub the hell out of that toilet because Brad likes a clean bathroom” kinda way. So, to go to the gym and tell myself that I was going to workout harder than I’d ever worked out just because I was worth a good workout was as far out of my comfort zone as you can imagine. If it’s just me? Well, I hate sweating…so I’d probably be out by the 2nd song. And for sure if there was a wall of exhaustion…I would say “PEACE!” and call it a day.
Instead, I joined in the room of women punching the air, and I punched with everything that I had in my body. When I felt like I couldn’t go on any longer, I would look in the mirror and tell myself that I was worth it. When I felt like I couldn’t breathe I pushed myself harder. At one point I had to close my eyes and just fight. By the 3rd song I was fighting tears back. There is something about beating the crap out of the air in front of you that is extremely theraputic. It’s intense inner healing, and it comes by surprise every time. Honestly, I have no idea what’s being worked out when I’m fighting the tears, but things are being unearthed, uprooted, and dealt with. I just fight and pray.
I did what I set out to do on Friday. I had the best workout to date that I’ve ever had, and I did it for myself. Not the “Bravo” from my instructor, not to silence the voices in my head, not to prove people wrong. But, because I have a goal, and I’m reaching for that goal, and I’m worth a good workout.
Happy Monday ya’ll!